


Return to Tziah

by DuchessOfBurgundy



Category: Persona 3, Persona Series
Genre: Emotional & Intellectual, Fiction & Identity, First-Person Character Study, Gen, Introversion & Isolation, Post-Canon/Divergence, Schizoid Personality Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-01-04 13:02:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18344225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DuchessOfBurgundy/pseuds/DuchessOfBurgundy
Summary: Mitsuru discovers her true self when, in a dream, Philemon transports her back to those last fateful months of 2009. Written from Mitsuru's perspective, with emphasis on the tragedy in both her character and her characterization. "It appears I can stroke the collective unconscious, even if I'm divorced from it myself..."





	1. Chapter 1

I've never been one for telling stories.

When it comes to fiction, my tendency to view the world as objectively as possible does me no favors. I can grasp the basic literary concepts of character, plot, setting, and anything else explainable in a textbook, but the finer details that make a story _come to life_ escape me. How to build a world that _feels_ real; where to place my emphasis, and what constitutes good pacing; the intricacies of human emotion...

But what eludes me most is the emergent property of these details: their _meaning._ It's a set of ideals believed by everyone that aren't necessarily true – a _subjective reality,_ as I've learned to call it. At times I've been able to manipulate it, much as one can ride a motorcycle without knowing how the engine is constructed. But I could never understand it. I feel as if I'm lacking a sixth sense that tells most people about these things.

So it's fitting, then, how my story begins in a place that's simple to describe. There's a great blue void extending as far as the eye can see in every conceivable direction. The only detailed object of note in this expanse is my own form – it's familiar to me, but with subtle modifications. My hair is its natural shade of brown, as if the maid who does my henna-rinse went on sabbatical for a whole year. My face feels as light as it does when I awaken in the morning. And I'm wearing a long, flowing white gown that covers my entire body below the neck, save for my hands.

 _Am I an angel?_ This symbolism, it seems, is not lost on me. Hmm. I'm reminded of how my father joked to me once – quite uncharacteristically for him, I know – about how one day he'd meet his father in Hell; and when he did, they would have _words._ I wonder if I'm about to have words with my own father... or if we'll just sit together in silence, as was so often the case when he was alive.

The expectation of company seems to be what's conjuring up the figure appearing before me. It's a humanoid with masculine proportions, but his flamboyant suit and hairstyle suggest that no, he is not my father. How very disappointing.

"I am Philemon," he tells me. "You and I are in a dream of my own creation."

This intrigues me. "A dream, you say?" I've had vivid fantasies myself, but never the ability to project them into the minds of others. "Am I asleep?"

"No, unfortunately not."

 _Unfortunately._ There's only one thing that could mean. "So I take it Masayoshi Shido was successful?"

"Yes." I'm unsure if I see sorrow in Philemon's eyes, and not just because he's wearing a mask. "Your most basal life functions have been preserved, but your mind is now lost. For all intents and purposes, Mitsuru Kirijo, you are now deceased."

I should really be feeling something – shock, anger, sadness. But after living for a quarter-century as the heir to my father's company, all I can feel anymore is tired.

Philemon continues, "As soon as Shido caught wind of the Kirijo Group's interference, he sent his best agent – his _only_ agent, actually – to put an end to it. There was nothing you could have done. The powers of the Metaverse and its creator exceed even my own."

"So you _are_ a god, I take it?" I see no use in belaboring the details of my demise. "Why have you come to me now?"

"I wish to offer you a service - one I've provided to each of those whose lives I've touched, only for them to meet with an untimely death." Philemon seems to loosen up slightly. "I cannot change the past, but I can simulate it with high fidelity. I can transport you back to any moment in your life. Perhaps, with the power of hindsight, you will choose a different path for yourself."

"I've made many mistakes," I confess to him. "But none that I would take back. We learn from our failures, and I'm a better person for having lived through mine."

Philemon smiles. "You are wise beyond your years. But no, I would not have you correct your mistakes. Rather, I wish to give you the opportunity to experience what you never have before – to run through your life with no constraints."

" _With no constraints_." Now it's me who's smiling. "Aren't you worried I might murder all my friends?"

Philemon chuckles. " _Moral_ constraints, I mean." I doubt that's really possible. "There are still rules. You cannot fly, except with an airplane. And your actions will have consequences, relative to the dream. But you can rest easy knowing that none of it is real. And you can terminate it whenever you like."

"You'll know when I'm ready."

"Is there a particular moment you'd like to revisit?"

"I have no preference." This is already more freedom than I'd bargained for in death.

"Then I will choose. Prepare yourself."

Perhaps if I were still alive, I would've insisted on more time to consider my options. But if what Philemon told me is true, then I'll never have an opportunity to apply the lessons I'm about to learn. Morbid curiosity is all that guides me now. And yet, _is this really worth it?_ To live my life without the burdens that previously weighed me down... will things really be any different?

_I guess we'll see._


	2. Chapter 2

Philemon must have a crude sense of humor.

The realization of where I am comes to me in stages. First it's what I feel: the tiredness that's been with me these past few years is gone. And yet I still retain the memories of my adult life. This makes me curious about where the boundaries between my real self and the dream actually lie.

Then it's what I see. My hair is redder than it's been in several years. I'm wearing my old school uniform – the one with the awkward black skirt, and the frilly red bow whose function was never explained to me. And a sea of my peers surrounds me; we're all seated neatly and facing in one direction. My heart sinks as the number of possibilities winnows down to one.

Finally it's what I hear: nothing. The silence acts as confirmation. If I _had_ been the one to choose the moment, it certainly wouldn't have been this one. But here we are.

_"No words can express the sense of loss we feel as a result of this terrible tragedy. He had a lifetime of opportunity ahead of him... As educators, we are to blame for ignoring his silent calls for help–"_

I'm tempted to smile, but I know it would be inappropriate. The Gekkoukan principal had a habit of competing with me when it came to speechifying. But Shinjiro's funeral is hardly the time or place for that.

Why _here_ , though? Philemon said he wanted me to experience what I never had before. He didn't want me to correct my mistakes; that's probably why he inserted me _after_ Shinjiro's death. But he did speculate about me choosing a different path. Hmm. What choice am I about to make that could potentially be altered? Does it have something to do with Shinjiro?

The principal's speech is just concluding as it dawns on me. _That's right... it's Amada._ I was planning on convening a meeting at the Dorm tonight to decide the fate of Ken Amada, who was partly responsible for the previous night's debacle and was nearly Shinjiro's murderer himself. I was going to inform my teammates around lunchtime. But why would I change that? Would it really accomplish anything to force Amada out of SEES?

The service is adjourned, and my classmates are rising around me as I remember one more thing: Akihiko isn't here. It struck me as odd back then, how he missed his best friend's funeral. Actually, I seem to recall him having skipped class entirely, as Shinjiro used to do.

The student body files out of the assembly hall, and eventually I'm left alone. My view now unobstructed, I can see the portrait of Shinjiro placed on display. It's a very recent picture, clearly taken after the incident with Amada's mother. That's probably not the image of him I'd want to remember for the rest of time; but still, I can't help but stare into the eyes of my lost friend...

Technically I could sit here for as long as I please; Philemon assured me I had no constraints. But if Mitsuru Kirijo – Student Council President and heir to the company that owns Gekkoukan – started missing her classes, people would ask questions. I have an _allowance_ of freedom, and it's probably best not to spend it here. Besides, I can come back later...

_Lunchtime._ That's the common thread in all of this. Lunchtime would be ideal for visiting Shinjiro: nobody would be here except his close friends, and no one would be expecting me elsewhere. Except I've already decided to visit the other SEES members regarding Amada. But I can break those plans – I doubt it would matter anyway.

Akihiko will visit Shinjiro at lunchtime. And I want to be here when he does.

 

* * *

 

My hunch was correct: Akihiko arrives at school just as the clock strikes twelve. He's clearly surprised to see me here, alone in the auditorium with Shinjiro's portrait. " _Mitsuru?_ "

_I should act accordingly, so as not to arouse his suspicions._ "Akihiko!" I exclaim nervously. "Um... sorry, I was just leaving–"

"No, it's fine. You can stay."

"Well... it's just that, I assume you want to be alone–"

Akihiko gazes at the image of Shinjiro. It seems callous of me to be standing between them now; seven years ago I would've left immediately. But I feel like I'm about to witness a side of Akihiko I never have before. Perhaps this is what Philemon truly intended...

Akihiko looks at me with sadness in his eyes. "I didn't think he meant so much to you."

"He was my friend as much as he was yours." I regret saying that instantly. "I mean... maybe that's an overstatement–"

But Akihiko doesn't seem angry with me. "No, you're right. It was always the three of us..."

Those words trigger something inside of me. They really shouldn't – I've already been through the stages of grief over Shinjiro's death. Maybe it's the knowledge of how my life turned out in the end; those last few years would've been better had Shinjiro lived to see them...

The pretense of this being an act vanishes from my mind. "I'm sorry, Mitsuru. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"I'm okay." My voice is but a whisper. Akihiko probably thinks I'm just reacting badly to Shinjiro being dead; he doesn't know the reality is far, far worse. Being able to feel again is both a blessing and a curse.

Maybe I can communicate my pain to Akihiko by proxy. "He just had a short, cruel life, that's all."

"Yeah. But at least he had friends." _Damn it, Akihiko!_

Somewhere, buried under my _very_ genuine grief and despair, is a sense of guilt. I've taken what should've been Akihiko's moment and made it about me. Maybe this is why I wasn't so _adventurous_ in my real life; that way I'm less of a vector for my omnipresence. I should find a way out of this situation...

The solution is an elegant one. I embrace Akihiko – maybe if I can make this more awkward, I'll be free to leave. But as I do, I'm struck by the uniqueness of this experience. _I've never hugged him before._ Come to think of it, aside from my parents when I was little – and Yukari that one time – I've never really been one for _hugs._ And judging by Akihiko's visceral reaction, he isn't either.

At least, I _think_ this is the first time. I'd remember if it wasn't – Akihiko is a lot more muscular than I'd expected. And... No, I shouldn't be thinking like this. I certainly wouldn't want him appraising _me!_

Upon releasing him, I try once more for a nervous affect. " _I should go. You can have your moment with Shinjiro_." And having thoroughly embarrassed myself, I leave the two of them alone.

 

* * *

 

When I return to the Dorm, my teammates are already milling about in the lounge. It seems I underestimated their instincts – now is obviously the time to discuss Amada's fate.

It amazes me how much they've changed in the years since my graduation. I barely recognize Iori, and Yamagishi too has matured. Aigis of course has completely transformed in terms of personality. And Yukari at least seems to have mellowed out. Then there's Koromaru; he never changes. Why bother when he was perfect to begin with?

Standing by the entrance, I hear the door unlatch behind me. I'm expecting to see Akihiko, so I'm doubly surprised when it opens to reveal a short blue-haired boy with a pair of headphones around his neck.

_Minato._ It's as if I'm seeing a ghost... but of course, everything in this dream world is merely an apparition. This one, however, frightens me more than all the rest combined. With the possible exception of my father, _this_ is the individual who's had the greatest impact on my life. And yet our time together was so short – one year, no more. As I told Philemon, I've made many mistakes; but my one true regret is that I didn't have more time to spend with Minato Arisato.

"Kirijo-senpai... excuse me."

He says that so casually. If he knew what would soon become of him, I doubt he'd be so gentle with me.

My other teammates take Minato's arrival as their cue to be seated. Akihiko is absent; I guess we'll be meeting without him. I assume my position at the head of the table.

_"You all know the reason we're gathered here..."_

I go through the motions, but my mind is elsewhere. It's not that I disrespect Amada, quite the opposite. But my first few hours in this new reality have given me a lot to think about.

At the moment I'm fixated on Minato. If I had wanted, I _could've_ asked Philemon to take me back to the battle with Nyx, so I might find a solution that didn't result in Minato's death. It would be like what Yukari proposed during the March 31st incident, only without any risks. But I don't know; somehow I think it was simply _meant to be_ and there was nothing I could have done...

This thought bring me no comfort. The fact remains that it was _my_ family who awakened Nyx, and _my_ actions as the leader of SEES that made Minato's sacrifice necessary. He gave me so much – showing me a world that, for most of my life it seemed, had been trying to hide from me. And in exchange for his insight I took his own life from him.

My whole existence has been defined by the mistakes made by my grandfather. But this is different: this is _my_ personal burden. My desires are irrelevant; even if it's only a token difference, I will devote myself to making things right with Minato.

 

* * *

 

The meeting concludes. My teammates have expressed their concerns about Amada, but I'm not too worried. If he fails to return on his own tomorrow, then perhaps I'll pay closer attention. Or maybe tomorrow won't come at all; either way, it's really out of my hands.


	3. Chapter 3

I wasn't expecting to meet the Devil so soon.

Part of me believed I wouldn't wake up at all this morning; Philemon never said I didn't have a time limit. But I had no premonition about seeing those spectacles or that tan suit ever again. I guess I've subconsciously been suppressing my memory of him...

"Mitsuru-san! Ah good, I was hoping to catch you before you left for school," says the _asshole_ who murdered my father.

"Ikutsuki... What do you want with me?" I can barely contain my vitriol.

"I spoke with Akihiko-san yesterday. He was worried about your mental well-being. Are you alright?"

_Your concern is so touching._ Is this the sort of novel experience Philemon intended for me? How about the sensation of thrusting my sword right through Ikutsuki's stupid face?

"It's okay if you take some time off to recuperate, Mitsuru. There won't be another major operation for a month." _Of course you'd remind me of that. Your diabolical scheme couldn't move forward if I'd somehow forgotten._

This could be it. Maybe I'll tell Ikutsuki how I really feel about him: just let it all out and be done with this farce. But if I do that, then I'll never discover whatever hidden potential this dream world might have in store. No... I'll hold my tongue for now.

"Come, I've arranged for ground transportation to take you to school. You might arrive there sooner than expected... but hey, you know what they say: the early bird catches the bookworm!"

_Be ready on that kill switch, Philemon._

 

* * *

 

For the next six hours I’m haunted by my father’s ghost. He’s out there somewhere – _alive_ – but only for another month. After it passes, I’ll surely find myself on the top of Tziah once again to witness Ikutsuki putting a bullet through his heart. I don’t think I could endure it a second time; sure I would never take back my failures, but I have no desire to relive them.

As I enter the Student Council Room after school I have one goal in mind: _to_ _make more time_. It’s already a burden off my shoulders to not have to study, but if I can somehow delegate my responsibilities as President to the other Council members then my only major commitment left is to SEES operations. And to be honest, I’m anticipating my return to the front lines in Tartarus.

Most of the Council is in attendance when I arrive. “Good afternoon. I want to thank you all for being here; I know it’s an off-day.” I admire their dedication to their duties, and their loyalty to me.

The members look at me expectantly. “I’m sure most of you are unaware… Shinjiro Aragaki, whom just passed, was a childhood friend of mine. And…” My speech falters. My motives may be disingenuous, but my feelings for Shinjiro are not. Nor is my sense of guilt for lying about them. “Um… I’m not sure how to say this–“

“It’s okay, Kirijo-san. We can manage without you for a week or so.” I wasn’t expecting that kind of compassion from Hidetoshi Odagiri, but I appreciate it.

“But wait, Kirijo-senpai! We need you! The trip to Kyoto is only a month away!”

Chihiro Fushimi’s words pierce me through the gut. In my mind, I pictured myself departing this world immediately following the last full moon operation; that way I could skip the whole incident with my father dying. But bowing out before the Kyoto trip would be the greatest betrayal of myself that I could imagine.

My blood is imbued with the river water of the Kamogawa. And if I squint hard enough, I can still feel the afterglow of Yukari’s open palm on my cheek. It’s a moment I wouldn’t trade for anything…

“Kirijo-senpai, what should we–“

“I don’t know, just _find a way to do it without me!”_

The whole room is stunned into silence. I’m known for my commanding tone, but I’ve never snapped at them like this before. Fushimi’s eyes are wide with shock; Odagiri’s are narrow with suspicion.

“Is everything alright, senpai?”

I nearly leap out of my skin. Standing by the door is the same blue-haired boy from last night.

“Oh… yes. _No!_ Um…”

“If you want, I can fill in for you a few times. I know how much Aragaki-senpai meant to you.”

_Oh, Minato._ I already owe him a debt I could never repay; and yet here he is, still willing to move heaven and earth for me. With my sense of confidence restored, I address the Council once more.

“Give me one week. Then I’ll return to my duties.” This seems to satisfy them. I turn to leave. On my way out, I pause to express my gratitude. “Thank you. I’ll see you later at the Dorm, Minato – _!!_ ”

My gasp attracts every stare in the room. I’m flattened against the wall by the fictitious force of sheer terror; then slowly the capillaries in my face fill with arterial blood. _Now I’ve done it._ It’s bad enough for the Student Council President to be dodging her responsibilities, but add to that the possibility of an affair and it becomes a _scandal._ I’m not sure how fast word travels around Gekkoukan, but eventually I’ll find myself under heightened scrutiny. The ensuing damage control would be a greater drain on my time than a few Student Council meetings.

I regain my composure and calmly stride back to the center of the room. Placing one hand on the table for emphasis I tell them, “I’ll see you all on Friday. Fushimi, we’ll sort out the Kyoto trip, don’t worry. And Arisato–“ He cocks an eyebrow at me. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine.”

 

* * *

 

Philemon is a damn liar; of that I am now certain.

He told me I would have no constraints, but that's clearly not the case. Sure, I can shirk all of my responsibilities, but I still feel _guilty_ about it. And I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if I acted out-of-character around my friends. Their re-creations are so faithful that my feelings towards them are wholly genuine.

As far as I can tell, the only _meaningful_ new freedom I have is that I can snap my fingers and it'll all be over in an instant. But what's waiting for me on the other side of that action? Death, I should think. And it's not like I didn't have the power to end my life _before_ , so what really has changed?

This simulation is on rails. If I follow my instincts, then it's like riding a train that will only ever deliver me to one destination. It might be a different day, but it's the same thing in the end...

_Hm? What's this?_ A couple of first-year boys are staring back at me from a few rows ahead. How peculiar; I've ridden the monorail countless times, but never before have I garnered this sort of attention. So what's motivating it now? Is there something amiss...?

_Oh, I see. It must be the sunglasses._ Usually my appearance intimidates people – the redness of my hair is like the warning coloration of a venomous insect, and my confident posture and high-heel boots convey the sense that I'm unobtainable. But when I don a pair of cheap sunglasses, suddenly I'm transformed into a kind of celebrity. Or at least, that's what Yukari tells me.

I blow a kiss to them. Their faces light up, and they turn back around to discuss their good fortune. A smile forces its way across my face. It appears I can stroke the collective unconscious, even if I'm divorced from it myself...

_This isn't me._ But still, I derived some pleasure from it. Philemon's dream has been full of little moments like this one, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to experience positive emotions. However, the negative ones more than outweigh them – the embarrassment I felt with Akihiko, the guilt with Minato, the _hatred_ towards Ikutsuki. _Those_ are the feelings that stick with me, when all is said and done.

This fantasy needs something _more._ Otherwise I might as well terminate it here, sparing myself from further misery.

 

* * *

 

A month passes in real time. With fewer responsibilities weighing me down, I've been enjoying the company of my teammates more than I used to. I've been out shopping with Yukari, and not once have I felt compelled to call her _Takeba._ I've rediscovered Yamagishi's love for computers, and had her _carefully explain to me_ the purpose of her waist-slimmer pad. I've been to the Shrine Park with Aigis, so she could marvel at the play behaviors of human children. I've seen one too many American action movies with Iori. I've even walked Koromaru more often than usual. Akihiko has eluded me – which is his right, Shinjiro having just passed. And as for Minato... I've avoided him entirely. It hurts too much to be around him.

But more importantly, I've concocted a grand strategy for saving my father's life.


	4. Chapter 4

_"Monorail... Listen to the monorail in monaural... Heehee... Ooh, I must make a note of that one..."_

I've been using the fourth floor meeting room these past few weeks to practice with Penthesilea's navigational abilities; it's been a while, even in _this_ reality. So it's not purely by chance that I stumbled upon these security recordings left on the console in here. And it's fortunate that I did, for several of them feature _me_ and they're all rather embarrassing.

But they're not nearly as embarrassing as... _oh God, kill me._ Stoke. What I meant to say was _stoke_ the collective unconscious! Ugh... I'm never going to live that down, am I?

Anyway, I can see now why Ikutsuki's deception was so successful. He took special care to weave a fiction around himself: we all believed him to be bumbling and ineffectual, so we never suspected that he was a megalomaniacal monster. That façade will be hard to crack, but I must try if I am to save my father's life.

I'm currently the only member of SEES who knows the truth about the full moon shadows and Nyx. If I tried to address Ikutsuki's lie outright, then I'd likely be dismissed as mad – I have no evidence to back up my claims, and there's already doubts circulating about my sanity following my behavior with Akihiko and the Student Council. Instead I must focus on changing my teammates' perceptions of Ikutsuki himself: if there's a sense that he's not as harmless as he appears, then perhaps I'll face less opposition when I move to implement my _real_ plan.

I'm going to abort the final full moon operation. My success will mean that the Fall is averted; this not only robs Ikutsuki of his motivation to kill my father, but also has the happy side-effect of making Minato's sacrifice unnecessary. Sure, that means there's still one large Shadow left to roam free in Iwatodai, which could cause all sorts of havoc in this city. But as Philemon said, _none of this is real._ A few faceless casualties in a virtual conflict are meaningless next to the simulated survival of my father and my one true love...

Wars are not won on propaganda alone, however. To achieve victory, I'll need to rely on other means to rally the forces to my cause.

 

* * *

 

 _Organizational power_ is the ability to affect change bestowed on individuals or groups by way of their position within an organization. It's a difficult concept to understand, so I'll try to explain it with an example:

Imagine, for the sake of argument, a company that exists under a state of anarchy. Since there are no employment laws, the manager cannot simply _fire_ her subordinates when they disobey her wishes. She can, however, _walk off the job_ if she doesn't get her way; and if there isn't someone else with her skill-set that can replace her, then the whole company will fall into disarray. If one of the _workers_ tried the same thing, then it's likely that his peers would absorb his productivity and everything would keep running smoothly. In this way, it's said that the manager has disproportionately more _organizational power_ than any one worker.

Of course, if all of the workers _collectively_ decided to walk off the job, then the same effect would be achieved as the manager leaving; this is the principle underlying a labor union. But it's not always in the best interest of a group of people to act collectively, which is why most modern businesses exist in a _state of equilibrium_ between unionization and autocracy by the management. My father always told me that _a company is made of its people;_ this is probably what he meant.

So what does this mean for me _now?_ There are eight members of SEES including myself: seven who fight in battles, and one navigator. I currently share the leadership duties with Minato; however this isn't due to _organizational power_ but rather because of my connections within the Kirijo Group. Their support for me isn't unconditional – I may be the heir, but if I take an action that's perceived to threaten their survival then I will lose their influence. If I simply quit SEES on my own then I'm like the aforementioned worker: my battle output will be absorbed. It would be unfeasible to convince every other member to follow me; everybody is invested in SEES for their own reasons. And even if I got through to Akihiko and Minato, for instance, there would still be a sufficient number left for a proper battle formation; we would be replaced.

But if _Yamagishi_ walked out, then the only person left who's qualified to replace her as navigator... is _me._

So that's my gambit. I find some way to convince Yamagishi to leave SEES temporarily; perhaps I tell her, _don't worry, I'll fill in for you during the full moon operation._ I may not be her equal when scanning the hundreds of floors of Tartarus, but I'm certainly better than nothing versus a major enemy on ground level.

Then, in the eleventh hour, I'll simply refuse to cooperate. I'll point to the flaws in Ikutsuki's image, which should be apparent by then, and argue that fighting the Shadow without a navigator would be too dangerous. _Hopefully_ this will be enough to at least postpone the operation, buying me another month. Maybe with _that_ time, I'll find a more decisive way to convince my teammates of Ikutsuki's treachery.

 

* * *

 

Having said that, it's still possible my plan will fail. This is why I need a backstop. _"Good evening, Kikuno."_

My personal maid has been my friend for longer than anyone in SEES. If there's someone I _should_ be able to entrust with safeguarding my father, it's her. However, there's a wrinkle in our present relationship that needs to be addressed first...

"Mitsuru? Oh, what a pleasant surprise." I didn't make a habit of returning home to my room in the Kirijo estate during my high school years, so my visit is unexpected. But it's only when I close the door behind me and lock it that Kikuno becomes truly alarmed. _"What is this?"_

 _"Kikuno..."_ I hold a soft, warm tone, so as to not trigger her fight-or-flight response. "I know you've been conspiring with Takedera."

Kikuno looks mortified. " _No, you can't know that!"_

"But I do." I approach her slowly, maintaining my demure affect. "I know that, should anything happen to the leadership of the Group, Takedera will want to make SEES disappear. I know he's asked you specifically to deal with me. And most importantly..." I allow a brief respite for her terror to wax full. _"...I know you have my best interests at heart."_

Kikuno seems to melt when she hears this. She loves me dearly; that's how I know I can trust her.

_"Mitsuru, please, I can explain–"_

"I don't want to hear it. But there _is_ something I want you to do for me. Just do as I say and you can keep your job, and we can remain friends."

_"Anything, please–"_

"I want you to poison my father."

It amuses me to see Kikuno's flabbergasted expression. I made my request purposely vague in order to elicit this response from her; sometimes I make jokes, but mostly it's just for me.

"...Well I don't mean _kill_ him! Just... _incapacitate_ him for a few days!"

 _"I don't know..."_ Kikuno seems to be calming down appreciably. Part of her must see the absurd humor in all of this. "Takedera came to me because I'm close to you, not because I'm any good at espionage."

That's an outright lie, but I'll let it slide. The _stunt_ she's going to pull in a year's time – where she acts as midwife to the birth of the Shadow Operatives – will disprove what she's just said.

"Kikuno, if you're really my friend, then you'll find a way to make it happen."

She nods to me, and we leave it at that. Of course, there's no guarantee she'll be successful. Maybe she really _can't_ find a way, or perhaps Takedera's hold on her is tighter than I realize. But my father's life doesn't rest on her shoulders alone; there's still the gambit with Yamagishi. Each of the two strategies is meant to reinforce the other: if the gambit fails then Kikuno may still succeed, and vice-versa.

 _Redundancy..._ I hear that's important in engineering.

 

* * *

 

I mull over my other options as I lie awake in bed. There's no perfect solution to my problem – only a thousand imperfect ones, each with some probability of success. It's like I'm the Tsarina of Russia, throwing everything I have at the enemy until they drown in my vast ocean of resources. Or perhaps I'm more like Germany, focusing on a few novel techniques in the hopes of landing a critical blow. Or maybe I'm just Mitsuru, one lonely girl playing at war against forces I never had a chance of countering.

At any rate, I should be able to rest easy tonight...


	5. Chapter 5

......

_I can't sleep._ Nor have I been able to these past few nights. _Why can't I sleep...?_

The details of the plan have been running through my mind for hours on end. So perhaps it's just anxiety. I don't think it's warranted, though; surely I've given this plenty of thought already? I know there are risks, but I've accepted them. Is there some major, glaring flaw that's gnawing at me just below my level of consciousness...?

Of course, it _could_ be my sense of guilt again. I'm not accustomed to manipulating those closest to me in this way. I took no pleasure in seeing Kikuno wound up with fear, and I'm not looking forward to lying to Yamagishi. I keep trying to convince myself that _they're not real,_ but I just can't do it...

It might be loneliness... in this past week I've reverted to my usual pattern of keeping my distance from my teammates. It was necessary – I needed time to formulate and execute my plan. But that wasn't the only reason; I guess the novelty of seeing that new side of my friends just wore off, and all that remained was the standard displeasure I feel when I'm around other people...

Or maybe it's just neurochemical and there's no reason for it at all. That's the least reassuring answer, for if it's true then there's nothing I can do. There are drugs I could take, sure, but I have no desire to pollute myself unnecessarily. My mind is my temple... no, that's inaccurate. What's _outside_ of me is the temple; my mind is my entire world.

 

* * *

 

If I can't sleep at night, then I might as well do something productive. _"Watch out! There are four strong enemies!"_

Yamagishi's warning comes just as the Shadows materialize. We're surrounded, and by four large Maguses at that. I guess at their affinities and Yamagishi confirms my suspicions: _"They seem to be weak against fire!"_ Akihiko winces and straps on his boxing gloves; his electric attacks are no good here. Yukari draws her bow and closes one eye – always chasing that elusive critical hit. Iori of course has the correct element, but his Persona is more physical-oriented. It appears we've been dealt a bad hand... but I have the ace up my sleeve.

_"Come to me, SURTR!"_

Oh, I guess I should mention: Philemon went and gave me the Wild Card ability. Or at least, that's the terminology I learned when I followed Minato into the Velvet Room that one day. That's where I met the long-nosed man named Igor, and his blue velvet-clad assistant with the peculiar voice. Igor demonstrated to me the miracle of Persona fusion, and I was off to the races. I must've spent half an hour and millions of yen just going through as many combinations as possible, learning about all the different Arcanas and mythical figures along the way.

Hmm, and I _can't remember_ what Minato said to me afterwards... I believe it was, _"Not even Elizabeth can make it rain like that."_ Strange.

Ever since then I've been experimenting with new spells and techniques, trying to get a feel for what I like. I still think that ice is my element: it's cold, _I'm_ cold. Actually if I could manipulate water in its _liquid_ form, that would be ideal. A fluid is far more versatile; perhaps this is why I've been envious of Yukari at times, with her ability to command the wind.

But still, there's nothing quite as satisfying as blowing away my enemies with _fire._ "That's all of them! Good job, Mitsuru-senpai!"

I take a moment to bask in the euphoria of victory. My Evoker feels warm in my hand, as if the _jötunn_ himself resides within it. I'm half-expecting a plume of smoke to rise up from its long barrel...

"Wow senpai, you're really on _fire_ today!" Iori tells me smugly.

"Oh, _can it,_ Stupei!" We wouldn't want him becoming like the Chairman, _now would we, Yukari?_

"Yeah, you're really on a roll, Mitsuru." Akihiko is still apprehensive around me, but he at least seems to appreciate the progress we're making. With two Wild Card users on hand, we've been able to send teams with higher frequency. I've even shouldered some of the navigational responsibilities at times – just to prove I can. I'm still not as robust as Yamagishi, but ever since I had the sensory equipment on my motorcycle repaired I've been able to help out a little.

The bike itself is fixed too. _...Hm?_ What, do you honestly think I'd die without riding it one more time?

There's only a few floors left of this block now. Eventually we'll reach the false top, and for a brief moment my teammates will breathe a sigh of relief. All of Tartarus will finally be conquered in their minds. But it's merely an illusion; and what's more, the revelation of additional floors pales in comparison to the _real_ surprise this section has in store...

_Tziah._ That's the name my father's scientists gave to this block. I'm told it's the Hebrew word for _drought,_ but thirst isn't what I feel when I breathe in the atmosphere up here. No, the word for that is _dread._ This is the block where Ikutsuki strung us up, after revealing his deception; it's where Aigis – Ikutsuki's puppet at the time – turned her finger cannons on her friends and almost riddled us full of bullets; it's where Ikutsuki and my father each drew a gun on the other and fired; and finally, it's where Ikutsuki bowed out gracefully once he knew he had failed, falling over the ledge to be swallowed by the night.

_I_ died here as well... only to be reborn later in Kyoto.

There's a great confrontation coming, and my singular hope is that it won't be _here._ Let it be at any time, under any conditions, and even have me fail if necessary. Just don't have it play out the same; let the last seven years make _some_ difference.

"Hey senpai, I'm getting tired. Can we call it a night?"

_That's fine._ The battle for everyone's souls can wait.

 

* * *

 

I'm still awake a few hours later, so I head down to the lounge to make some tea. Early mornings are the only time I can wander around the Dorm in my nightgown; I figure the guys are too afraid of me to leave their rooms.

But I do get one visitor. "Oh hey, senpai. You can't sleep, either?"

"No, I guess not. ...Would you like some tea, Yukari?"

"Nah, I'm good." But she wants _something_ ; I can hear it in her tone. "Um, I'm sorry about what I said earlier, during the Dark Hour. Junpei's right... you really _have_ been doing great lately."

"Well, thank you." I take a sip of tea.

"Uh, we all thought, after Aragaki-senpai died, that you were having some trouble... but now it seems like you've really improved."

It's uncharacteristic of Yukari to be giving compliments like these. Usually she's a very shrewd and critical person, and I've certainly deserved that from her at times. To hear this from her now is... refreshing.

I take another sip of tea. As I put the cup down, I feel a soft pressure on my shoulder; it's very gentle, and just below the joint. My blood goes cold as I realize what this is. _"...you never told me why you started calling me Yukari–"_

I recoil so fast that I damn near spill my tea all over the kitchenette. _"Mitsuru-senpai, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean–"_

_"No, it's fine! Um... I'll see you tomorrow, Takeba– I MEAN, Yukari!"_ And with that I rush back up to my room as fast as my bare feet will carry me.

 

* * *

 

_Something is terribly wrong. That's not the Yukari I know. She would never, could never... ...Is this part of Philemon's dream? Is this what he wanted me to experience? But I don't want it, not with her at least... I mean– ...oh God, why am I so alone?_

......

I've brought my Evoker to bed with me... and not for fear of being attacked.


	6. Chapter 6

A strange thought occurs to me as I'm getting ready for school. My ex-fiancé is out there somewhere – _single_ – but only for a few days. After that time passes, I'll surely find myself face-to-face with Philemon once more... for I have no desire to be on the run for _murder!_

Anyway, my gambit seems to be coming along nicely. I've spoken to Yamagishi, expressing my concerns about potential vulnerabilities in Aigis' programming. I had her hack into the Kirijo mainframe to access Aigis' technical specifications, which she did with surprising ease; _apparently she's done this before._ After giving the schematics a once-over, she concluded that my suspicions were warranted. She requested more time to analyze them on her own, so together we constructed an alibi – something about her friend Natsuki Moriyama having a family emergency, I can't remember the details. The _important_ thing is she'll be out of Iwatodai for a few days, including tonight.

One interesting corollary of this was the effect it had on Ikutsuki's image. It seems Yamagishi said something to Yukari, who shouted it at Iori at some point, who in turn told Minato; then eventually the idea was so prevalent that even Akihiko must've heard. A flaw in Aigis leads one to question why she was allowed to join SEES in the first place. When you marry that to the suspicious circumstances under which Aigis was introduced to us – and how Ikutsuki was present when she broke free at Yakushima – then it becomes a breeding ground for conspiracy theories.

It's all a little _too_ perfect, if you ask me. At times like this I start to get really paranoid, as if I'm missing something obvious. _"Senpai, can we talk?"_

His tone seems innocent enough. "What's bothering you, Iori?"

"I'm worried about Chidori." _That's right... she's been in the hospital this whole time._ "After what happened to Aragaki-senpai, they might go after her next."

I reassure him half-heartedly. "Iori, if it's any consolation, Strega's focus should be on _us_ tonight. If we're successful in defeating the last Shadow then the Dark Hour will disappear, and Strega will lose their influence. Targeting Chidori won't prevent that; their only chance would be to face us directly."

"So there's gonna be a showdown?" Iori seems to channel Akihiko for a moment as he says this. Honestly, it may just work to my advantage – any SEES members that _do_ go forward with tonight's operation will be facing both the Shadow _and_ Takaya's gun. I wasn't counting on Strega of all people to be my allies in this...

It's as I said: _too_ perfect.

 

* * *

 

I didn't know this about Ikutsuki, but apparently he's an alcoholic. Speaking to his colleagues at Ergonomics confirmed it; Ikutsuki mostly keeps to himself outside of work, but the few times he _has_ been spotted have been at a local bar. I brought this information to Gekkoukan's principal – SEES is technically an after-school club – and he went so far as to recommend that Ikutsuki be removed as advisor. But the Kirijo Group dismissed the idea; it seems they didn't want to upset their most brilliant employee.

That's another thing I've come to realize about Ikutsuki: I talked before about _organizational power,_ and that concept certainly applies to him as well. Following the incident that created the Dark Hour, Ikutsuki assumed the lead role at Ergo Research. Actually, now that I think about it... it's possible Ikutsuki orchestrated that himself, stoking Eiichiro Takeba's fears and leading him to release the twelve Shadows. That _would_ be an efficient way to consolidate power – for it wasn't just Yukari's father and the other top scientists who died in the explosion, but also my grandfather, the only member of the Kirijo bureaucracy with knowledge of the Fall's terrible potential.

Ikutsuki's authority coupled to his fiction makes for a synergistic combination, and he's had far more time to prepare. Perhaps it's unwise of me to engage him so symmetrically... but my strategy is already locked in. When I return to the Dorm later – _where am I now? Oh right, Calculus_ – then my month of planning in secret will finally conclude. I could only get so far by acting covertly, and I'm well beyond the point of no return. From now on, there can be no truce between us...

Tonight, we go to _war._

 

* * *

 

My teammates gather in the fourth floor meeting room as the Dark Hour approaches. There's an air of nervousness among them that's unusual even for a full moon operation. It could just be the anticipation of ending the Dark Hour for good, or perhaps the notion that we're on a collision course with Strega for a final time. But no, somehow I think they suspect something else is afoot. Yamagishi's absence for this most important mission is too much of a coincidence, and all the speculation and rumors surrounding Ikutsuki seem to be coming to a head as I open my mouth to speak.

"Good evening." My formal greeting is unnerving, but I continue. "I don't need to remind you of how important tonight's operation is – this could be the culminating moment of everything we've done as SEES. Seven months ago in April, I couldn't have imagined we'd be sitting here right now. You've all accomplished so much... and for that I thank you."

Minato motions to say something, but I raise a hand to stop him. "By now, you should all be aware of my suspicions about Ikutsuki. I have reason to believe he has been dishonest with us concerning the true objective of these missions, and I fear for what consequences any further actions would bring. For this reason, I've decided to postpone tonight's operation until further notice."

Akihiko seems affronted. "What do you mean _postpone?_ Who says we'll get another shot at this?"

_He has a point._ There's no guarantee the final Shadow will reappear any time soon. But I won't let that stop me. "If I'm wrong, then at the very worst the cases of Apathy Syndrome will continue unabated. However, if Ikutsuki is lying to us then that might be a small price to pay–"

_"Small?"_ Now Akihiko seems angry; he leaps from his chair. "Have you forgotten what we've sacrificed already? The Dark Hour has taken so much from us – Shinji gave his _life,_ for crying out loud! And now you're saying it was for _nothing?_ " He turns to leave. "C'mon guys, we're going."

Now I rise to confront him. " _Where?_ You seem to be forgetting something, Akihiko... Yamagishi is absent, so your only means of _locating_ the Shadow is me."

He lets out an exasperated sigh. "I don't care. I'll go looking on my own if I have to."

"You have _one hour!_ You're not going to cover _all of Iwatodai_ in that time!" I've known Akihiko to be stubborn before, but this is bordering on extreme. "And even _if_ you're lucky, what, are you going to fight it without backup? Do you _remember_ the second full moon operation?"

"Yeah... you were no help then, either!" _Damn... he's right._ "C'mon guys, we don't need her."

There's a pause as the other SEES members weigh their options; I'm left to worry that perhaps Akihiko has been too persuasive. Then Yukari speaks up. "I'm staying behind with Mitsuru-senpai."

" _What?_ Why?"

"I've had my own suspicions about the Dark Hour for a while." Yukari is remarkably calm in all of this. "I know senpai's father showed us that recording of my Dad, but I still can't believe it. If Ikutsuki really is lying, then he could've doctored that video. I dunno... this whole thing seems fishy to me. So if Mitsuru-senpai wants to be more skeptical from now own, then I fully support her."

_Yukari, I don't deserve you._ This is the first time we've really been together since our little _encounter_ a few nights ago, and yet she's being very rational about this. _Or maybe..._ could she think I have _leverage_ over her...?

Akihiko turns to Minato. "You're coming, right?"

Minato shakes his head. "No, I'm with Kirijo-senpai on this one." And he never gives a reason; part of me firmly believes he's my guardian angel.

Akihiko seems demoralized. Not only is he without a navigator, but I also have both Wild Card users on my side. One might reasonably conclude that I've won; but Akihiko has always operated on his own logic. "Look... I've tried being polite this last month, but now I'm just gonna let you have it. _You've changed, Mitsuru._ Ever since Shinji died you haven't been the same. I thought it was just grief and you'd get over it... but now it's made you crazy. So do what you want, but I'm gonna go fight the Shadow tonight."

I get a sinking feeling in my stomach as I realize that I'll have to make a choice. Akihiko won't budge; and if he fights the Shadow alone then he'll lose, and possibly die. In effect, I'm choosing between Akihiko and both my father and Minato. _Hmm..._

I typically don't allow arithmetic to dictate my sense of morality, but in this case the greater sum seems to win out anyways. I've already seen Akihiko's future – how he travels the world fighting criminals to make himself stronger, eventually becoming a police officer when he can no longer find a suitable challenge. He never comes to terms with his sister Miki's death; it's clear to me now that his intention was only ever to punish himself for his own weakness. _Yes, I know your life's story, Akihiko..._

_And it does nothing for me._ "Fine. Go and fight the Shadow on your own. You'll _fail,_ but at least you'll be satisfied."

Akihiko prepares to do just that; but then Aigis surprises us all. "He will not be alone!"

At first I'm so taken aback that I can't even form a coherent thought. But then I slowly come to suspect what's really going on: _has Ikutsuki gotten to her already?_ I raise a hand towards Minato in protest. "I thought your goal in life was to protect _him!"_

"I am an Anti-Shadow Suppression Weapon," Aigis tells me adamantly. "I can see no better way to protect him than to fulfill my core mission." There's no point in arguing with a machine once it's been programmed, so I leave her be.

Akihiko turns to Iori. "Junpei, you in?"

Iori responds to him absentmindedly. "Nah... I'm stayin' here, senpai. It's too dangerous."

Akihiko has one option left to expand his party. "Let's go, Koromaru!" The gray Shiba gets up and wags his tail enthusiastically.

"Koromaru, _sit!"_

He does exactly as I command. _Who's a good boy?_ It seems all that extra time I spent walking him has paid off.

Akihiko grunts in disapproval. "Alright then. I guess it's just you and me, Aigis."

I try once more to reason with him: _"You won't succeed with only two–"_ But he's out the door before I can finish my thought. I guess those casualties won't only be faceless after all.

 

* * *

 

A few moments later, Iori gets up to leave. _"What, have you changed you mind?"_

"Nah... I'm gonna go see Chidori." Iori seems cagey. "Now that the operation's called off, she's in danger again." I can't argue with that, but I still feel as though he's being dishonest...

At any rate, it appears I've been successful. Even if Iori _does_ join Akihiko and Aigis, that's still just three SEES members versus Strega and the Shadow, and only _if_ they're lucky enough to find them; the odds on my father's survival look very favorable. Whatever guilt I may have felt about Akihiko has been replaced by a sense of esteem in my accomplishment; for the first time since arriving in Philemon's dream – and perhaps even longer – I'm starting to feel confident in myself again...

Pride before the Fall, I guess you could call it.


	7. Chapter 7

I was truant from school today; I figure I needed some time to clear my head.

I've always enjoyed looking out at the sea from Port Island... the way the sunlight glints off the water in the evening, how the gentle breeze softly embraces you; and how from this vantage point the architecture of the buildings in Iwatodai's skyline has the intended effect. From here you can't see the festering decay that lines its streets, the result of years of neglect by the company that bears my name. I know it's all built on a foundation of blood, but from this distance it's still beautiful in my eyes...

Akihiko was silent when he returned to the Dorm last night, and exhausted. I guess he found the Shadow; either that or he spent the entire hour running around at full steam. With him was Iori, who also looked ready to collapse. He too was stone-faced, but I did sense at least one other thing from him: _relief._ Chidori made it through the night I take it.

None of them said anything; not even Aigis, whom I could've pressed for information if I really wanted. Successful or not, I get the impression they all hate me now. In a sense that's worse than losing them in battle, for now I have to live with the visual reminder of the pain I put them through.

Perhaps that's why I'm really out here... if I saw my gambit in higher detail then maybe I'd notice its flaws and fall out of love with it. It's my baby now, my singular pride and joy. To have that emotional investment torn from me would send me spiraling into despair. And that's _before_ the possibility of failure is taken into account; it might even kill me to see it flayed alive before my eyes...

 

* * *

 

The last thing I wanted to see tonight was sushi. But here it is.

This still doesn't necessarily mean I've failed; my father had prior knowledge of last night's operation, so it's possible he put in the order on the _assumption_ we'd succeed. At any rate, it appears the attendant who handled the platter wishes to enlighten me.

_"Your father sends his apologies, but he won't be joining you tonight. He's been having a spot of illness as of late..."_

It's nice to finally have some positive feedback. I doubt my father could've simply caught a cold – I've had no direct contact with him this past month, so I don't think the butterfly effect is responsible. It seems at least _one_ of my friends is reliable...

Right on cue, Akihiko comes marching down the stairs with Iori on his heels. _"Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about!"_ The junior's taste for mutilated sea creatures is as pungent as ever. I give them a confused look as they take their seats around the table; Akihiko notices me first and answers it with a grin.

'What, haven't you heard? We did it without you, Mitsuru!"

_Well, there goes my appetite._ "I can't possibly imagine how you accomplished _that..."_

Iori gulps down some salmon roe and says, "Oh, we got Chidori to help." I narrow my eyes at him skeptically. "...Yeah! We had Aigis break her out of the hospital, and in return she found the Shadow _and_ gave us backup!"

_What?_ Chidori can _navigate!?_ I've always known she had _some_ of Yamagishi's capabilities, but I've never seen her provide support during a battle. And somehow Iori _knew? ...Why does nobody tell me these things!?_

I attempt to ask Iori _why_ but his guilt beats me to it. "Sorry, Mitsuru-senpai. You had some good points last night, but I couldn't rest knowin' Chidori was still in danger. At least now the Dark Hour's over and Strega's useless... right?"

I turn to Akihiko. "Don't tell me you fought Strega _and_ the Shadow with only four people!"

"Actually, we had a fifth..." He gestures towards the stairs, and somehow my palm finds my forehead before I even realize who it is.

"Hello!"

...How in the world did I forget about Ken Amada _right until now!?_ "If you were still willing to fight for SEES then where have you _been_ this past month?"

Akihiko chuckles. "After your incident with the Student Council, I told him to keep his distance until everything blew over. He says he's been training in the lower floors of Tartarus on nights when we haven't gone. It was enough to give us healing during the battles. Just barely _,_ though."

"But you _still_ took an incredible risk..." I glance over at the clock above the sign-in desk. "And at midnight, you'll see it was all for naught."

As the minutes tick by the rest of SEES gathers in the lounge. Minato and Yukari arrive at five to twelve; they look remorseful, but help themselves to some sushi nonetheless. Then finally one more creature scurries down the stairs... it's Yamagishi.

"I thought you weren't coming back until–" But she avoids eye contact with me as she takes her seat, a grimace covering her face as she does. She undoubtedly feels betrayed right now. But in a few moments, she won't be the only one...

 

* * *

 

The Dark Hour arrives right on schedule, and the night continues unabated.

It feels good to be vindicated, but my teammates don't see it that way. There's a moment of confusion as everyone wonders what went wrong; I hear cries for _Aigis_ and _Ikutsuki_ but of course they aren't here. Then Akihiko finds the canonical solution to this mess: _"Let's try Tartarus!"_ I plea with them to stay behind and consider other options, but instead they follow Akihiko's lead and I'm briefly left behind in the lounge. They don't care that I was right; what matters is that I hurt them.

I trail SEES through the night, all the while dreading the chain of events that is now inevitable. But still I cling to one last hope – that my father won't confront Ikutsuki before the latter meets his demise. _It's all in your hands now, Kikuno._ When we reach the foot of Tartarus the scientist is waiting for us, along with his Frankenstein's monster that we once knew as our friend. Ikutsuki gives the command, and Aigis delivers us to unconsciousness...

...Only to awaken later at the top of Tziah, where I'm finally strung up on a crucifix like the martyr I am. As I open my eyes, I'm expecting to see Aigis with her finger-cannons raised toward us menacingly; but instead she's preoccupied with someone else. _"What is going on here!? Ikutsuki... What is the meaning of this!?"_

_Hello, father. You look well._

 

* * *

 

I'm barely listening as the sound of two gunshots rings out through the night. _Why bother?_ I already know how this ends.

I contemplate calling in that favor from Philemon; now that I've failed to save my father's life a second time, in spite of everything I've been through in the seven years since the first, why go on? But then I return to the original _casus belli_ from when I last spoke to the masked god: _curiosity._ I'm witnessing a fleeting intermediary phase, in which Ikutsuki's treachery is known but he has yet to perish. Perhaps I still may learn something new, if only to take it with me to my grave...

Aigis opens fire on my restraints, and I land on my feet to face Ikutsuki. I have a clear shot at him now; I'm tempted to run up and kick him over the ledge myself, like they did in that one movie with the Spartans. _(Hm? Oh, I don't know... ask Iori.)_ But instead I constrain myself, summoning all my strength to purge from my soul the question that's tortured me for my entire adulthood. _"WHY!?"_

Ikutsuki smirks. "Oh, Mitsuru. You're a smart girl... and you have everything you deserve in life. _But what about me?_ I was a smart person too at your age, and yet I had nothing." He glances over the precipice, sizing up the dust from whence he came. "You were born into power, but I had to toil and scheme for everything _I_ have. Do you think it was _fun_ for me, kissing up to your family all these years? Do you think I _liked_ making terrible puns, just so I could seem _affable?_ It made me _sick!"_

I'm repulsed by his monstrosity, but also intrigued. Ikutsuki may have been a massive narcissist, but he was also a genius in his own way. Otherwise we wouldn't be here... _again._ Part of me desires to sit him down and try to psychoanalyze him; but the draw of the abyss is too great, it seems.

_That's fine._ His parting words alone will be seared onto my cortex for the rest of my days. "Be happy for what you have, Mitsuru. For should you ever lose it, you'll end up just like me."

I hear Yukari and Yamagishi shriek behind me, and it's all over. I stroll up to the ledge and peer over it. The night is clear enough for me to see Ikutsuki's body shatter as it hits the ground below. It's a sight that would've mortified me seven years ago, but now I can only stare in admiration. Ikutsuki's broken remains are a monument to all he's accomplished; his grand strategy was masterful in design and flawless in execution. Then in one sweeping maneuver he took everything from me and made his peace.

And I'm just left standing here, my red hair and black skirt blowing in the wind like the flag of Yemen. I'm not in control of my fate after all.


	8. Chapter 8

My next course of action is more reasonable in context. So let me explain:

I founded the Shadow Operatives in late 2010 as the spiritual successor to SEES. We had a good run for a couple of years; our big mission was in Inaba, where we joined forces with Yu Narukami's band of high-school investigators to stop a sinister plot involving a shadow world inside the TV. It ended with every former SEES member back together as one happy family, and I still remember it fondly as the crowning moment of my life.

But then for a few years the missions dried up, and most of us went our separate ways again. I recall making a few promises to _keep in touch,_ but I never really honored them. That's something I've noticed in my life: I'm closest to others when we have a higher goal to work towards, or at least a common interest to discuss. I'm no good when it comes to ordinary things – relationships, small talk, _gossip._ They tire me out and I find myself wishing to be alone... which also isn't an ideal state of affairs.

Of course, it didn't help that the _business_ side of things wasn't going well either. Contrary to popular belief, I've never actually owned a stake in my father's company; he made it very clear in his will that all family holdings were to be sold off after his death. I've had to maintain the confidence of shareholders to retain control over the Group. And as it turns out, I'm not a very good CEO when I don't have Ergo Lab research to show for myself.

So when word reached me of Shido's activities, it was a blessing from heaven. I immediately devoted all available resources to countering the threat he posed – not because I thought I could stop him, but to strengthen my legitimacy by _appearing_ to do the right thing. In effect I became like the conservative politician in a far-off country who declares war just to secure another term in office. _It's for a good cause,_ I assured myself.

But then everything started to go badly. We never figured out how to send human beings into the Metaverse without serious injury, so I had to rely on our existing stock of Anti-Shadow weapons to do scouting. But Shido was too quick for us. We began losing people – first due to mental shutdowns, and then my employees started resigning _en masse_ out of fear. I pressed on, receiving assurances from the Board that we were in too deep and retreat was no longer an option, lest the whole company collapse. It wasn't until my own friends started leaving me that I realized how dire the situation was.

The first was Akihiko, who tendered his resignation over the phone. _"I'm sorry, Mitsuru. There's been a string of incidents in Ayanagi City, and the Department wants me to investigate."_ I found out later that those _incidents_ never happened; but when I went to call him back, his number had been disconnected.

Then it was Aigis – she returned from the Metaverse one day in a disheveled state, worse than after that time she fought Ryoji Mochizuki on the Moonlight Bridge. I received all kinds of assurances from my engineers; but no matter what they tried, Aigis never seemed to improve. Part of me suspects she was making a conscious effort to resist...

Finally it was Yamagishi. _"Look Mitsuru-san, I'll keep working on Aigis but I don't want to be involved in operations anymore. It's too dangerous."_ It's ironic, really; she's the one person who was always honest with me, and yet I never came around on using her given name. _Fuuka..._ even now it seems unnatural to me.

 

* * *

 

The last thing I remember is my falling-out with Yukari.

It was the eighth of May, 2016 – the date of my twenty-fifth birthday. It's never been a special occasion for me, seeing as I could rarely get my parents together in the same room in order to celebrate. So when I heard a knock on my office door, I wasn't expecting more than a mid-level bureaucrat. _"Come in."_

I barely recognize her as she steps through the door; it's been a few years, but that hardly explains the transformation I'm seeing. She's grown her hair out long – at first I assumed it was for a new role. And something about the way she carries herself seems... _off._

" _Yukari?_ "

"Hey, senpai! It's sure been a while... happy birthday!" Her tone is very uneven. Is she _nervous?_ I've never known Yukari to be timid around me – I can usually rely on her to stand up to me, and call me out on my mistakes.

"You don't have to call me _senpai._ We're not in high school anymore."

"Oh, right." Now I _know_ something is wrong. The Yukari I knew would've delivered that line with a lot more sarcasm. "Hey... you wanna go somewhere?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"Oh... I dunno." _Then why did you suggest it?_ "What do you like?"

"Um... well, I could ask the maids to bring something up for us."

"But don't you wanna _leave?"_ I sense that Yukari's question is broader than she intends.

"No... To be honest, I haven't left headquarters in a while."

Yukari goes silent. I can tell she's trying really hard to hold back tears. "Why are you _really_ here, Yukari?"

"I heard about Aigis." Yukari approaches me, and takes a seat upon my desk. I haven't left my chair since she arrived, so now I find myself looking up at her. Though it doesn't seem like her confidence has improved. Yukari is a decent actress... but only when the stakes aren't so high, apparently. "If they could do that to a machine, then what do you think they'll do to us?"

"We've risked our lives countless times before. Even in the face of certain death..." It's true; even during the battle with Nyx, I don't think Yukari was _this_ frightened.

"Mitsuru-san." Now she's found the right honorific. "You know I care about you–"

She starts to reach out to me with one hand, but then appears to think the better of it. She seems to be keeping her distance, even more so than usual. As she draws back, I see her shift awkwardly so as to avoid the sheer stresses along her abdomen. _Come to think of it..._

This might be a shot in the dark, but here it goes. With one curious finger, I poke Yukari in her belly. She recoils instinctively. _Oh._ "It seems it's not just _you_ that you're worried about," I tell her, "but your _future..._ "

" _Mitsuru_... when are you finally gonna live a normal life?" Yukari cradles her midsection, as if she's trying to communicate to me what she really means by that.

"I'm not sure I know what that is." I was born into a wealthy family and raised from a young age to fight demons in the shadow realm. When I was eighteen I lost my father and two of my closest friends within five months of each other. Then after saving the world from an apocalyptic moon goddess, I became the chief executive officer of a major export company as well as the head of a super-secret unit within the Security Department. Now I'm the only thing standing between all of Japan and the malevolent whims of a would-be dictator. I wouldn't know _normal_ if it came up and bit me in the–

_"Mitsuru, you're breaking my heart!"_

_...That's_ the Yukari I know. "If you're not going to join me then stop wasting my time–"

_"You're going to get yourself killed!"_ She's holding nothing back now. _"Just STOP! You've done enough!"_

"No... it'll never be enough." She doesn't know how bad things really are. "The great Kirijo mistake is like a juggernaut that destroys everything it touches, and it'll keep on rolling _long_ after I'm dead."

_"So let it roll PAST you! Don't stand in its way..."_

"It was MY family that set it off, so it's MY responsibility!" If she can't understand a personal obligation then why is she still here? Why is she so _attached_? "I'm sorry it took your father, but there'll be many more like him yet. Only through the pressure of a thousand outstretched hands can it finally be brought to rest."

_"But it doesn't have to be YOU!"_

_Oh, but it does._ For it's not just my family name that binds it to me now: my burden has become a necessity for my ability to self-actualize. Friends may come and go; but as long as I keep pushing my rock up that hill, I will at least have a sense of purpose.

_"You don't understand. It's all I have."_

Yukari gets up and shoves me hard, spinning me around in my office chair. She storms towards the door; but as she reaches it, the wind leaves her sails. She knows that if she takes another step I'll be lost forever. But as long as she doesn't move, there's still a glimmer of hope. No matter how faint it might be, if she turns around now–

_"Get out of here, Takeba."_

I hear a whimper, and then the door slamming shut behind her. That's the last memory I have of my best friend.

 

* * *

 

Not even a week passes before I'm lying in an isolation chamber. My top scientists assured me that a Persona-user couldn't suffer a mental shutdown, but they prepared this unit anyways in case an innocent bystander was affected. It seems I never learn: the last time I trusted a scientist's opinion, my mistake cost me my father's life and nearly my own as well. This time the deed is done.

I lied before when I claimed that all I felt was tiredness. That was back when I thought I was starting a new chapter, so I wanted to leave the past behind me. But now I realize that my entire existence is on one continuum; so allow me to summon forth the true end product of my life's processes – _spite._

I had friends but they all left me. I had colleagues but they all let me down. I had everything I needed but it wasn't enough. Now all that's left in my heart is nihilism.

Ice may be my element, but that doesn't mean I can't make the world _burn._


	9. Chapter 9

Call it a crime of passion, if you wish.

Ikutsuki's blood is still pooling on the pavement below as I decide what to do next. I stride over to where my father lays dying, drawing in faint and diminishing breaths. A better daughter than I would take this moment to comfort him, and then grieve over his corpse; but I have no tears. Instead I grab his pistol and cram it into my holster. As for my Evoker... I send it on its merry way, along a trajectory that should unite it with its dead creator.

_"Yamagishi, come with me!"_ My junior hesitates, but then complies out of some twisted sense of empathy. _"You as well, Aigis!"_ The machine's response is far more immediate.

The three of us transport down to the entrance of Tartarus, where my motorcycle is parked with its sensitive equipment. I activate these mechanisms as if I intend to utilize them myself, and then turn to Yamagishi. "Use these if you must, but I need a read on a location..."

She looks to me confusedly. "But who am I searching for?"

_"Strega."_ Her eyes grow wide, and again there's trepidation. I harden my gaze, conveying to Yamagishi how serious I really am. She summons her Persona, and to my amazement is able to pinpoint my targets without artificial enhancements.

"I've found them! They're here on Port Island–" There's a sharp _gasp,_ and then, "By the station! They're in the alleyway where Shinjiro-senpai was murdered!"

_Well that's convenient._ I mount my bike and fire up the engine. "Aigis, I want you to head for that location. I'll meet you there." And having expended Yamagishi's value for the time being, I leave her stranded as I speed off into the night.

 

* * *

 

The Dark Hour still holds sway as I pull into the alley by Port Island Station. I see two figures standing over the dried red stain where Shinjiro lay dying just a month prior. They appear to be admiring their handiwork, though dispassionately. The purpose of this exercise escapes me completely. _What, did Philemon forget to give you something to do?_

The shirtless one with the long lifeless hair – Takaya, I believe – recognizes me first and smirks. _"Ah, Madame Kirijo. An unexpected pleasure."_ His oh-so-eloquent tone serves only to stoke the ire within me even higher. "If you are here, then I take it Ikutsuki was... _unsuccessful?"_

I give no quarter for his morbid curiosity. Dismounting my bike, I draw the pistol from my belt and aim it at my temple. It takes Takaya a moment to realize what's amiss. _"...That's not an Evoker."_

"No." I correct my aim, pull back on the hammer, and put a bullet straight through his bare chest.

Takaya's expression is almost comical as he falls to the ground spread-eagled. His partner – Jin, I think – goes completely rigid, and then drops the grenade he's holding when I turn the gun on him. As his own innards crash through his vertebral column, I come to understand the privilege I alone wield while possessing such a weapon. _Nobody expects the coddled rich girl to be a cold-blooded killer._

I expend a few more cartridges to codify my sentence. Just as the echo of the final shots fades into nothing, I hear the android finally arrive on the scene. "Mitsuru-san, you–" But then the gruesome image mortifies her into silence.

"Aigis, I need to you dispose of these bodies in such a way that they can never be recovered. There can be no possibility of tracing this act back to me." She trembles but remains still; it appears her human instincts are starting to kick in. "Aigis, you are my friend... but you're also my _property._ So you'll do as I say."

The cruelty of what I'm asking isn't lost on me; I know that Aigis just had her big moment, where she chose to disobey her programming and act morally. Under any other circumstances I would've respected her autonomy and left well enough alone. But no, this is _my_ fantasy. _"Aigis, so help me, I'll shut you down–"_

"Understood."

Her submissive impulses take over, and I leave her with one last command. "When you're done here, find Kikuno Saikawa and bring her to me."

 

* * *

 

Having consolidated power within the Dark Hour, the next day I move to do the same in my other realm. _"Good afternoon."_

The Student Council has once again convened at an awkward time: right in the middle of lunch hour. Their loyalty still impresses me, though perhaps now it is misplaced. Fushimi sees my pained expression and attempts to console me. "Senpai, I heard about your father. I'm–"

But I raise a hand to stop her. "I've summoned you here to announce that, effective immediately, the Student Council is disbanded. From now on, all executive decisions will be deferred directly to me... the Student _Body_ President."

There's a moment where I can hear a pin drop from as far as the staff lounge. Then Odagiri interjects. "You can't do that! There are rules!"

_"There's only one rule,"_ I assure him. "As long as my family's name is above the door, I can do whatever I damn well please. Now all of you _GET OUT!"_

Fushimi is the first to leave, her face buried firmly in her hands. The rest of the Council follows solemnly behind her. Odagiri is the last. _"You'll regret this, Kirijo!"_ Yeah, I will.

 

* * *

 

My power play doesn't go unnoticed; a few hours later I'm summoned to the principal's office. He's leaning menacingly over his desk when I enter the room. "Mitsuru-chan, this is outrageous! You can't possibly–"

"Don't address me like I'm some _child!_ I'll have your job."

The principal shrinks back into his chair, clearly realizing his mistake and assuming his proper place. "Please forgive me, Miss Kirijo. I will of course respect the wishes of the rightful heir to the Group. I was merely suggesting that–"

"No, you misunderstand me. Pack your things. You're _done!"_

It's a rare pleasure to see a grown man cry, and it's made all the more satisfying when it's for beating him at his own game. We used to spar with our motivating words when we were equals; but now the balance of power has shifted decisively into my favor. He has but one last thought as he reaches for the door. "Who will run Gekkoukan in my stead?"

"I'll find some lackey to replace you," I assure him. "This school is _full_ of adults who fear me."

 

* * *

 

I'm half-expecting Philemon himself to come breaking down my door; surely _this_ isn't what he intended for me. For the first time since my crusade began I start to feel the tremors of guilt. He's the only person who can punish me now for my transgressions. No matter how much of his simulation I conquer, his control over it is still absolute.

When the door finally does open, it's not the masked god who enters... but Akihiko. _"Mitsuru, we need to talk."_

_Oh._ "I take it you've been made aware of my recent exploits?"

He shakes his head, but not in ignorance. "Look, I'm sorry. You were right about Ikutsuki, and if I'd listened to you then your father would still be alive." I haven't seen Akihiko this remorseful since Shinjiro's funeral; perhaps his mind is supple enough for what I'm about to suggest. "But that's no excuse for what you did today." Or perhaps not...

"I appreciate your condolences, Akihiko. But if you truly wish to atone, then I'll need you to do as I command–"

"Mitsuru, this needs to _stop."_ He says this, and then appears to undergo the most remarkable shift in polarity. He extends both arms and tells me gingerly, "I know it's been a hard month for you, and that your grief is far from over. But SEES needs you now... the way you _were."_ His voice grows quiet, and I'm sure that if I closed my eyes I'd swear he was my parent. "What you did at school today isn't what's best for you, or any of us. It's not what your father would've wanted..." And then the faintest smile of knowing purses his lips. "It's not what _Shinji_ would've wanted–"

_"I don't give a FUCK about Shinji! He's DEAD! And nothing we do to Tartarus or the Dark Hour will change that!"_

Akihiko's composure is completely shattered, as if he's just lost an argument with a petulant toddler. I hear a squeak from out in the hall; it appears we have an audience. I modulate my tone as I make my final pitch. _"But we have an opportunity here–"_

"I can't believe this–"

"Akihiko, we have an entire _hour_ of every _day,_ just to ourselves. There are _world leaders_ who cannot touch us during the Dark Hour. _...So why don't we run everything?"_

Akihiko sighs and looks away. "You should really hear yourself, Mitsuru... you're starting to sound like your grandfather."

I open my ears, and what I hear is a dull throbbing sound reverberating through the room. Akihiko must hear it too, for his demeanor shifts from simple annoyance to something approaching terror. It takes me a moment to realize it's my own cackling laughter.

"You've always been about getting stronger. So what's your excuse now... _Aki?"_

The effect of that word is instantaneous. Before I know it I'm flat on my back with him on top of me, his hands clenched firmly around my throat. _"WHO ARE YOU!? What have you done with the Mitsuru I know!? WHERE IS SHE!?"_ His hot breath and acid tears sear my face, reigniting the dormant kindling that rests behind said mask. It's all coming back to me now – _fear, guilt, shame, despair. This isn't me. I'm a good person. I'm not someone who does this to her friends!_

My own tears begin to stream down my cheeks, and a feeling of warmth washes over me to drown out the lesser emotions. _Catharsis._ There _is_ a divine justice in this world, even if its only conduit is a mere mortal like my dear Akihiko. And what's more, it seems that his intention isn't murderous. The pressure he's applying is enough to strangulate me, but his thumbs are nowhere near my jugulars.

Eventually he relents. I draw in a raspy breath, and then exhale a whisper. _"You're strong..."_

"No, I'm weak." Hearing that acknowledgement from him is so soothing. I can die happy now, knowing that even in his teenage years Akihiko retained some sense of self-awareness. "I can't lose you, Mitsuru – not like Miki, or Shinji. You're my rock, and I don't think I could survive without you there."

But even in _this_ function, I don't feel that my continued existence is justified. _"Kill me."_

Akihiko looks heartbroken. He pleads with me, "Come back to us, Mitsuru. You haven't done anything irreversible." _Oh God, he doesn't know._ "The Principal is still around, and so are the Student Council members..." But he trails off as my sobbing worsens.

_"I murdered Strega,"_ I confess to him tearfully. _"I can't take that back–"_

Akihiko is dumbstruck. He leans in towards me, and somehow manages to parse together the only two words that matter. _"Why, Mitsuru...?"_

"All my life I was living in a fog..." _And one not too dissimilar from the fluid that now glazes over my eyes._ "I would reach out to interact with the world around me, but it was only ever a mirage. I thought that killing Strega might finally make me feel something – _anything_ – but it only made me numb. Ignoring my better judgment just left me more blind than ever before."

My vision clears, and fills with Akihiko's mournful gaze. "But I _did_ feel something tonight... with _you."_

I'm reminded of an anecdote from a film I saw once – _not with Iori,_ but with Aigis. It detailed a thought experiment about a scientist who studies color in a black-and-white room. She has knowledge of every physical property of light; but since she's never actually seen red, blue, or yellow, she doesn't know how that experience _feels._ I didn't know _coercion_ until I was nearly choked to death just now, and I suspect that my cloistered nature has shielded me from an even higher understanding that's only transmissible through human contact.

I feel something faintly when I gaze at Akihiko, as if a projection of the knowledge I seek is already ingrained within me. But of course it is; this is my _biological imperative,_ after all. It's a prospect that's always frightened me greatly, especially since its influence seems to permeate the world around me – going so far as to slip my own tongue at times. It's fundamental to the human experience, and therefore an integral root of the collective unconscious...

I may still have an opportunity here – to leave my schizoid life behind, and join with the zeitgeist once and for all.

I rise to my feet and glide towards the door. With one hand I lock it, and with the other I shut off the lights. Akihiko approaches me as I turn to him and say, _"You have two options for leaving this room. Either I die, or I_ live _. There is no in-between."_

To Akihiko's credit, it doesn't take him very long to decide.


	10. Chapter 10

It is said a woman's prime reproductive years are behind her when she reaches the age of thirty-five. I'm twenty-five in mind as I awaken in my bed the next morning, roughly halfway to 35 from 16. And yet I have no children, nor had I any plans to conceive. It's still possible I'll die having never endured the excruciating pain of childbirth, that most feminine of experiences.

But there's one thing I know: why Akihiko walked right by me last night without saying a word.

It seems that, in my rush to convince him, I accidentally tripped over my own sense of logic. _There is no in-between..._ I'm not sure why I was expecting to force a binary on Akihiko while I myself was grasping for the full spectrum. What I _really_ needed was a turn of phrase to prevent him from shorting me out so easily... _there is no middle-ground?_ Maybe.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg; I was completely out of line. Twenty-four hours ago it all made sense to me – nothing really matters, so let the whole world burn. But even as I set about ruining my life, I still found myself constrained. I couldn't _truly_ hurt my friends even if tried. I guess that confirms my original suspicion: I _am_ bound by a sense of morality, despite knowing that nothing here is real.

And yet somehow, even _if_ I was acting angelically, I don't believe I could've coaxed Akihiko into my bed. There must be some greater force at work here... perhaps Philemon? I don't know. At any rate, I'll probably see the masked god very soon.

 

* * *

 

_\- Why can't I do anything? -_

I've been an introvert for twenty-five years, and yet there are depths to my psyche that remain unexplored.

_\- I guess I'll never know. -_

 

* * *

 

The pangs of hunger begin their assault around noon; but I stand firm, holed up in my bedroom. They lay siege to me for the next six hours, after which I finally relent as I start to feel parched. The thirst compels me to head to the lounge for a glass of water...

I'm not prepared for the blockade that awaits me there. "Come and sit with us, Mitsuru. We want to talk."

Akihiko gestures to a spot on the couch across from where he's seated, carved out between Yukari and – to my astonishment – Kikuno. I head to the kitchenette to pour my drink; when I turn back, my memory is refreshed by the sight of Aigis sitting directly opposite of her. I realize too late that my earlier command wasn't nearly specific enough for the android's logical mind. I told her to bring Kikuno to me, but not _when._ Ugh...

The rest of the band is here as well – all except Minato, curiously. Iori has assumed his place at the head of the table, though the smugness I would expect from him following this coup is absent. His mind must still be on Chidori, whom undoubtedly is hiding out somewhere I can't find her. It's unsettling to think she played such a major role in my downfall, and yet I haven't seen her once in my time here.

I place my glass on the table and take my seat. Noting everyone's street attire, I attempt some humor to lighten the mood. "I hope you didn't miss your classes because of me."

Akihiko is not amused. "Mitsuru, we all know what you did to Strega." And so the final battle begins.

He continues, "Look... those are the guys who killed Shinji, and almost did the same to the rest of us a few times, so I won't lose much sleep over it. What you did is _illegal,_ and probably immoral..."

"But it _may_ have been justifiable." Yukari holds my hand and touches me gently on the shoulder. "We can forgive you, senpai. And no one else needs to know."

"Nobody will locate the remains of Takaya and Jin. I have made sure of that." Aigis' tone is uncharacteristically soft, but her gaze is steely cold. I wonder if she's perceptive enough to know where this is headed...

"But you need to do something for _us_. And I think you know what that is."

I glance around the room, and Akihiko's words appear to ring true for everyone. Yamagishi, seated beside him, is giving me a death stare. Amada, in the chair closest to the kitchenette, is focused but uneasy. Even Koromaru seems to be blocking my retreat, lying sprawled-out on the path between the door and myself.

"C'mon, senpai... you can't fight back the entire world on your own." Iori smirks, and he's right. _The geography won't allow it._

I rise to my feet, and cross my arms over my abdomen in a feeble attempt to hold back my cortisol. "Akihiko, you and Arisato can lead SEES from now on. I'll never wield an Evoker again." _Though I could certainly use the comfort of one now._ "When I arrive at school tomorrow, I'll reinstate the Student Council and then resign as its President. After that..." My stomach turns over as my serotonin crumbles. "...After that, I'll call the Board of Governors and renounce my claim over the Group." My humors finally overwhelm me, and I collapse back into my seat.

Kikuno leans in to tend to me. She's been cradling a box of tissues this whole time, and she draws one now. "I'm proud of you, Mitsuru," she tells me as she wipes away my tears. I can't share in her sentiment, but perhaps she can reassure me in a different way...

"What's the word on Takedera?"

Kikuno looks away shamefully. "Takedera hasn't been an issue since we last spoke." When she turns back to me her expression is grim. "I told your father everything. He had Takedera expelled from the Group, and in exchange for my help... he promised to _pretend_ to be sick for a few days."

_And here it is, the_ real _reason my father is dead._ "Mitsuru, I had no idea it was this bad. If I knew what Ikutsuki was planning, then I would've given your father food poisoning or something. This way just seemed _simpler._ "

"Actually, I've been wondering about that." Yukari's critical nature is taking hold again. "It seems like you knew an awful lot more than you let on, senpai. But I'm just not sure how that's _possible..._ "

I _could_ tell them the whole truth – _crazy_ is nothing when you're already a murderer and a sociopath. But I shouldn't alienate them any further; I _need_ them now more than ever. "It doesn't matter anymore. My father is dead... and I have no reason to go on living."

Yukari leans in and places her hand on my cheek. I gaze longingly at the effluence in my glass. "Senpai, you know we all love you. Please don't leave us... let _us_ give you a sense of purpose in life."

Now it's _me_ who's suspicious, but I digress. _"Okay."_

Akihiko rises to his feet with a newfound sense of authority. "Alright everyone, let's call it a night. We'll be hitting Tartarus again tomorrow, so make sure you're well-rested." Kikuno gives me a faint kiss on the cheek before heading to the door; Yukari pats me on the shoulder and then follows her teammates up the stairs. _I'm fortunate to have such good friends._

Eventually Akihiko and I are alone. I stand to face him; but he looks away, his eyes red and puffy. He raises a hand to his face... and as his cuff falls back, it reveals a fresh hairline scar running down the length of his forearm.

_"Akihiko, you're hurt!_ Has that wound been looked after...?"

"I'm fine, Mitsuru, really–"

"No, I insist! You're in no condition to go to Tartarus. I think you should take some time off to recuperate – _!!"_

Akihiko begins to smile... and then to my amazement, he embraces _me!_ I can't help but giggle as he does; _of course he'd throw this back at me, that clever bastard!_ I feel my own tears welling up again as I realize _this_ is the closest I'll ever be to him; but judging from his reaction, that's a positive.

_"Welcome back, Mitsuru. ...Where have you been?"_

 

* * *

 

But the euphoria doesn't last. A few hours later I'm back in my bed, as alone as I ever was before.

My friends seem to think I've returned to normal, but I'm not sure how they could know that – even if it were true. A human mind is a black box whose processes are unobservable to most; at best one can only _infer_ its contents after analyzing its input and output. Mine is unusually tough to judge, since I retain more information than average and I'm not a very social person. And wherever there is a deficit of true understanding, the tendency of most – no, _all_ – people is to fill in the gaps on their own... to create a _fiction._

The dysphoria I experience around others stems from the fact that _my_ fiction is so divorced from reality. People look at me and see a cloistered rich girl who's had a terrible burden thrust upon her; she's smart, mature, _beautiful_ , and above all else a good person. She's not someone who murders people in cold blood, or manipulates her friends for personal gain, or masturbates in her bed late at night. No... as long as I'm dishing out 'executions' and spouting French phrases, failing to eat a hamburger or missing with Marin Karin for the _Nth fucking time_ , then I must be normal. _Those_ are the things that form the basis of my identity to an outsider, and hence constrain me more than any number of artificial rules in a masked god's dream world. It's the _subjective reality_ of who I am.

But I know the truth.


	11. Chapter 11

There was a time when I thought the worst thing someone could be was _wrong._ But in that assessment I was myself incorrect; the _worst_ thing you can ever be in life is alone.

That's why I've sought out Minato today. I've kept this secret inside of me for too long, and doing so has only brought me anguish. Perhaps by opening up to him now, I can salvage what's left of this unworldly opportunity. "I need to tell you something. It's going to sound crazy, but..."

But even though this is the only logical pathway remaining, I'm still met with internal resistance. Minato swallows his bite of takoyaki. "It's okay, senpai. You can tell me anything... I'll try not to judge you." He gives me a half-hearted smile. _Here it goes..._

"None of this is real." Minato raises an eyebrow, but is otherwise unmoved. "Seven years from now I'll slip into a coma, and a man named Philemon will visit me in my dreams." He helps himself to some more octopus. "Philemon will give me an opportunity to return to my past, and relive my life as part of some _simulation."_ Minato smirks, and I'm reminded of another one of Iori's movies. "This means that _I_ will be real, but nobody else is... including _you."_

Minato gulps again, and then appears pensive. "The only man who visits me in _my_ dreams is Igor." I worry he'll go back on his word; but my fears are misplaced. "Though I get where you're coming from, senpai. For the longest time I've _wanted_ to tell someone about the Velvet Room, but I didn't think anyone would believe me."

He smiles sympathetically, and I continue. "I've seen the future. I know how the Dark Hour ends, and what it'll cost us to get there..." I reach for his hand and squeeze it tightly. "Minato... I want you to know what you did for me. I was in a dark place – my father had just died, I didn't know if SEES still had a purpose... I was alone and frightened; I thought that perhaps my life was over." His other hand crosses over mine to reassure me, but I can see in his face how the gravity of the situation is dawning on him. "But you were there for me. We started seeing each other after class... We must've dined at every fast-food outlet in Iwatodai, or at least that's what it felt like." I feel the nostalgia start to nibble at my composure. "You showed me a world I'd never seen before, and helped me out of a rather _exploitative_ situation." I try to smile, but instead I collapse into a fit of trembling. Minato leans in to comfort me; but even so, I can sense his own trepidation. He knows where this is going...

_"And I fell in love with you."_ The catharsis hits me like a thunderbolt, once again heralding the coming of the rains. Minato's hand disappears from beneath mine, and then reemerges on my opposite shoulder. I melt into his gentle embrace.

"I understand, Mitsuru. And I'm here for you now. You don't have to go through this alone... We'll do it together, just the two of us."

......

"Mitsuru... _senpai?_ Hey look, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you so upset-"

......

_Two in harmony surpasses one in perfection._ That's the other side of the coin of what my father used to tell me. Perhaps if I had _spoken_ with him once in this past month I would've heard it again. But no, he was only ever an objective. Maybe _that's_ why I've been so reluctant to see Minato – coming into contact with his human element would've shattered my resolve. As an abstract he was far easier to manage...

And in a tragic irony, my attempt to utilize him efficiently merely wasted his potential. _"Umm, Minato... if I said you only had four months to live, how would you want to spend that time?"_

He takes a moment to consider this carefully. Then he chuckles to himself. "Probably not by going to school."

His indomitable spirit proves to be irresistibly contagious. Before long I'm shaking too hard with laughter to be trembling with sorrow, and the melancholic streams running down my face have filled with tears of joy. _This_ coming from the boy who always places at the top of his class in exams? Unbelievable. _Sometimes I wonder what really motivates you, Minato Arisato._

 

* * *

 

The divine wind rustles through my hair as I speed down National Route 1. Squinting against the breeze, I can just barely resolve the peak of Mount Fuji rising above the horizon. I've left my helmet at home, so the 200 kilometer-per-hour torrent wreaks havoc on my vision. Granted, I don't have it nearly as bad as Minato seated behind me; with that plume of red in his face, he must not be able to see _anything!_

The traffic is sparse enough here that I can safely weave between cars while driving at twice the legal limit. It's a bit out-of-character for my country's highways, but I'm not complaining. I've always cherished my motorcycle as my one means of rebellion, and never before have I felt so unrestricted. In two hours of driving we haven't so much as passed a single police cruiser...

Nor had I expected to, for it's clear to me now that Philemon's hands have been in all of this.

When I first entered this reality, I had concerned myself with the masked god's intentions; that quickly fell away when I realized he had no plan for me. But his grasp remained firm. There were moments in this last month that only make sense in the context of divine intervention – strange behaviors by my teammates, circumstances that were _too_ convenient... And I shudder to think about what he _could've_ done that escaped my perception entirely. Did Philemon play a decisive role in my father's death? If he did, then what does that say about my time here? Have I really learned anything about myself, or was he just stringing me along? And if so, _why?_ Does he take pleasure in my misery...?

Is this just some _game_ to him? Ughhh...

Ruminating on Philemon's interference has led me to an unexpected epiphany about myself – it's something very fundamental, albeit trivial in hindsight. _There's no God in my heart._ When I look back at my life and ask _who was I,_ the notion of a higher consciousness pulling on strings just muddles everything. How much of me was intrinsic, and how much was just external machinations? I'd hate to think that what truly defines me is some grand plan leading me to my doom. If I _am_ a failure, then I at least want to _own_ it.

I say this knowing full well that I'm probably riding to my death. There's really no excuse for the heir to Kirijo to be absconding with her _boyfriend_ when the company's future is at stake; never mind that SEES' leader and sole remaining Wild Card user will be five hundred kilometers from Tartarus the next time the Dark Hour arrives. I've left myself no retreat with this action... and I have no intention of going back.

_But what of divine retribution?_ Maybe I'm wrong, and there _is_ a God in Heaven who damns people just for not believing in him. Well, if that's the case, then I will very happily martyr myself in Hell when I die. Nothing has brought me a greater sense of comfort in life than the knowledge that my existence is rooted in the empirical. And in that sentiment, I know I can't be alone.

 

* * *

 

We arrived in Tokyo just as the sun was setting. I'm not sure what possessed us to climb to the top of the Sky Tower in Asakusa; but now as I peer out from its highest observation deck, the Earth is swallowed in darkness. I can feel it in my soul as well, for now it's apparent how I've missed my opportunity to play God. _Oh well._ At least in _this_ moment, I can steal his perspective from his lifeless eyes...

A city of thirty million people stretches out below me as far as the eye can see. Every illuminated room from here to the horizon is its own little ecosystem, to which I am not a factor. In Iwatodai I was treated with an air of significance; and at times when I'm alone with myself, the whole world can seem claustrophobic. It's only here, above all of the lights, that I can finally discern how small I really am.

_"Minato... I know this might sound strange, but–"_

_"I'm all yours."_

Time seems to stand still as I kiss him. It's for the best; given another moment and I would find a way to ruin this with introspection. I may not be much of a storyteller, but I know a natural endpoint when I see one. This is how I should go out... _this_ is how I was meant to die.

I click my heels together. This fiction is ended.

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the premise was borrowed from one of Fither's videos:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QvXKN7-d3c
> 
> I'd also like to thank Glenn Mostoles for posting the translated _New Moon/Full Moon_ audio drama duology:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3vEtL0XVuw
> 
> I've included some extra thoughts in the comments, if you're interested (click on "Entire Work" to view comments for all chapters).


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